I just found out something... It's damn damn damn FUNNY!!!!! The funniest joke I ever heard in my life!!! I'm now laugh-to-death!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Approach me if you're interested to know... ^^

Hahas... Enough of the laughter... Okay now, what are memories? It's something that you'll remember it for life. Memories can be forgotten but can never be erase. But, of course, there will be good and bad memories. When we look back or reminisce the past, both good and bad memories will strikes our mind. When good memories strikes you, you'll feel pleasant. However when bad memories strikes your mind, you'll be bloody damn bummed out.

For me, when I reminisce the past, almost everything is pleasant... Good memories! Looking back on the things we've done together, the times we having fun together, the times when you're down and I tried my best and cheer you up and many many more. However, these are the memories that freaks me off.

Ya... We are having good times, in the past... SO WHAT??? Memories are useless. It only gives you an illusionary feeling and makes you an idiot. Memories makes you high-spirited at the very moment but after that, you've got no choice but to face the cruel reality. Bygone are bygone. It'll never happen again. Not now, not in the future.

I really envy the guy that you like. He is so fortunate. But the sad thing is, he doesn't know how to appreciate. Because of him, you were depressed. Because of him, you look sorrowful. Because of him, your admirable smile were gone. How I wish I could be the one to cheer you up. How I wish I could be the one who pull you out of the blue. How I wish I could be the one to make your smile lighten up across your cheeks again. But do I have the chance to be "the one"?? I really don't know, DON'T KNOW!!! I'm wondering........ You're the only one who can answer my doubt.

Should I forget you and everything that happened in the past? Or should I be longing and wait for something which will never turn out to be? I really don't know... I really can't stand it anymore!!! I'll go crazy soon...

Sitting in the class can be quite boring, especially when you totally have no idea what the hell the teacher in front is mumbling about. I mean, we still need to pay attention in during lesson. But exception, we can stand up and do some stretching, drink a sip of water, "report" to the toilet and so on. However, for me, none of the above can kills my boredom except writing or drawing.

People sitting around me will realize that I always have an orange notebook on the table. That's my "best friend" in the class. That's what occupies me throughout the lesson. This orange notebook recorded every thoughts and wonders that are running through my mind. Whether I'm happy, upset, furious or shivering, I'll jotted down. I'll read it when I reach home and see how stupid or whatever I am in the class. Frankly, almost 80% of the materials inside are about her. They can either be my feelings for her, poems or the words I wanted to tell her.

As for drawings, I love to draw lines. In some pages, if there's only few lines drawn, that means I'm feeling okay... However, the more lines I draw, the more depress I am.

Below is an example:

Today morning, I sat right behind her, about 5 metres away, but with a wall in between. I really hope that I'm able to see through the wall. I must be dreaming, DREAMING!!! ^^

After school , my class is having an English enrichment programme. No doubt, although my class is an express class, but the whole class see eye to eye that this "bloody" enrichment class is totally sucks. It's absolute boring. However, we've got no choice but to go as we were "forced" to. Chin Keong and I went out of the school and have our lunch. We plan to go back by 3:30pm. But our timing was wrong. We ate too fast and went back at 3pm.

The teacher gave us a topic to debate. The topic is: " Walking around naked in the public should be punish." Well, I'm bored-to-death in the class so I went to the front and argue on the topic. The teacher kept argue with me but at last, I out-talk him! Hahas...

I'm pretty happy for the results I gotten. My weight dropped by an impressive 7 kg in 1 ½ month. I skipped meals, having only a light dinner everyday. I just hope that this will not damage my gastric... Why I do this? Hmmm... Does't have the need for me to elaborate, guess it yourself.

Well, as a reply to Sean, he said that almost everything on the page is about her. Yup.. He's right. Everything including the layout is all about her. Every single word here is meant for her. Every thoughts on my mind are all about her. All along, the girl I love is her. She has never been replace before. But will she knows? Even if she knows, will she give a damn?

All my doubts are clear now... After days of thinking, I finally understood. But should I feel happy for the outcome or should I feel upset?

I walk around the streets so blue
Just to see the sight of you
A word from you
Keeps my moments very true
I wish I could keep you here
But my emotion with you is only fear
If the guy that stole your heart would just disappear
I would show you no fear
I know this is hard to explain for it to even sound true
But the only thing keeping me alive is a
Word from you

* Written during recess today when I saw her queuing up for drinks.

I don't really mind if you forget about the things I've done for you in the past. The problem is, did you appreciate it?

This morning is the second time I pass something to you. However, it was the same as the first time, you didn't spit a word out of your mouth. Not even a simple " thanks ". Or is it your voice are too soft that I couldn't hear anything? I really hope this will be the reason. It may seems to be a small matter to others but to me, any chance to get near you is my pleasure.

Actually, I'm more than willing to give you my helping hands. I don't blame you for leaving me in the cold, but what matters is that you appreciate all that I've done for you.

--- Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone,
Will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes,
Will I be the one that's by your side?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your light?
I promise, I promise I will.

Will I take tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you.
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that's there to hold?
I promise, I promise I will.

I love you more every day.
Nothing will take that love away.
When you need someone,
I promise, I promise I'll always be there for you.

I went to play golf today in the afternoon. Today is the first time I touch my clubs since Febuary. I thought my techniques had been demoted. In fact, I played better than what I used to be. Everything was good except my short game. My chipping was very bad. Same goes to my putting. I can't even sink a short putt... What the hell... But the other shots were great I guess, especially my fairway woods. It was almost near-to-perfect. High accuracy and constancy... I hit every shot almost out of the net. I'm afraid that the club management will banned me from hitting in the range. (That will not happen) Hahas... Well, I seems to be attracting to much attention. There's a guy approach me ask me if he can be my manager and he even asked me for my phone number. Lol... What the hell...

Well, for reference, I recorded down my distance for each club.

Driver ( 9.5°) --- 270 - 290 metres
3 - Wood ( 15° ) --- 230 metres
5 - Wood ( 17° ) --- 210 metres

3 Iron --- Not recorded
4 Iron --- Not recorded
5 Iron --- 200 metres
6 Iron --- 180 metres
7 Iron --- 160 - 170 metres
8 Iron --- 155 metres
9 Iron --- 130 metres

Pitching wedge --- 110 - 120 metres
51° wedges --- 100 metres
56° wedges --- 90 metres
60° wedges --- 60 metres

Do you know why I'm afraid of the way you feel about me? You think I've got nothing better to do and ask you if you're angry with me? I just want everything back to normal. Just like how we used to be. I know that's impossible. But at least I tried.. Have you? I know that you won't and will not even give a damn. I didn't blame you. It's all my fault. I started all these. You should be furious, for what I've done. If you don't, I'll find it weird.

You may be wondering, since I said I love you so much, why didn't I ask you to start a relationship? It's not because I doesn't have the courage. It's not because I fear that your answer will be negative. It's because of myself. I find that what we were now will be better. Stay as friends, give you supports, as a friend. And I also understand the situation you're in now. There's many things to worried about for a partner of the opposite sex. I just can't overcome it. All I ask for now is just to being your best friend who can give you support, console you when you're down and help you to the fullest when you need help.

I'm holding on to my phone every moment, hoping to see a message from you. I was like an idiot, waiting and waiting and waiting. I know it's impossible to receive a message from you if I didn't take the initiative to SMS you because I understand, I am definitely not the one you'll think of when you feel blue or for whatever reason. If you're angry with me, can you at least tell me what is it about?

When I walk along the beach just now, I saw lots of couples strolling along the beach too. How loving they are. Suddenly, a thought strucks me, when can I start the journey with you... Soon? I really wonder.

I'm thinking of you every minute... When I'm eating, I'll be wondering, have you eaten? Are you eating too? When I'm having fun, I'll be wondering, how are you feeling? What are you doing at that moment? When I'm thinking of you, I'll probably be wondering, am I on your mind too?

--- Walking alone on the beach,
With thoughts of only you.
Remembering your promises,
And your hope for love that's true.

Unwilling to give myself completely,
But so eager to give into fears
My mind can only dream,
To try to save myself from tears.

How can I trust you,
There's just too much to lose.
How can I trust myself,
Which path must I choose.

Walking alone on the beach,
Looking forward to that special night.
When the moon and stars shine above,
Silhouetting you, holding me tight,

Can I trust you,
There's more to gain.
Can I trust myself,
Will my choice keep me warm in the rain.

Walking alone on the beach,
Reminisces our times together.
regardless of the final outcome,
I'll treasure those moments forever.

Sometimes I really hate myself... Whenever I see you upset over certain things, I couldn't help you anything at all but to only ask you to cheer up. I'm so useless, I couldn't resolve your sorrowful thoughts. It's hurt to see you dejected. Ask yourself, how would you feel when you see the one you hearted the most low-spirited?

You're probably out there longing for something which may or may not turn out to be. Me too... I'm here waiting for you, just like you're out there waiting for him. You know it's hurt when the love you gave is not returned. The same thing applies to me. That's how sorrowful I am now...

I'm trying my very best to treat you as a friend, a normal friend. However, the more I tried, the bigger the failure was. I really can't imagine the days without you. I would rather die than losing you. I think my love towards you had turn into obsession. However, of course, I know how to control myself. Life still goes on, but it will definitely goes on in a different way. I'm thinking and dreaming of you every moment.

Frankly, although you're not the first girl I ever love, but you're the first girl who I love the most ever since my life started. I swear it's true. I never love a girl so deeply in my life before. I swear you are the first and you'll be the last.

You said that "everything that's happening is not fated. Everything you do will still be the same. What's the point to forget? It's useless anyway..." I agree with you. What's the point to forget when everything was just an illusion? If I've got the choice, I will choose never got to know you rather than knowing you and fall in love with you and feeling disconsulated and despaired. Should I known this as fate or a stupid prank by the god?

It's not my mistake to fall in love with you and it's not a burden for you to have somebody admiring you.

--- Will I be the one you will call,
Whenever your heart breaks and spirit begins to fall?

Will I be the one you will think of,
If you had one lasted person to see before the plane takes off?

You know that I'll fight for you.
But how can I fight for someone who won't even be there?

How am I suppose to tell you all these,
When all that you're listening to are the lies from other guys?

Sometimes I don't believe my own intuition,
When I make promises and you make them worthless.

The melody plays whenever you let my hopes down,
The melancholy man who is left all alone to break down and cry.

I heard someone said a very interesting sentence this morning. It goes, " If you are not serious about something, nothing can be done. "

However, I'm serious about you. How come I ended up with nothing?

I'm missing you every moment. It's like, I couldn't concentrate on anything else because you're the only element that's running through my mind. When I feeling low, I'll take out my phone and read every single SMS you sent to me. Even if I'm in the class.

When you're feeling low, I'll try my best to console you and to cheer you up again. How gorgeous you are when you smile... I swear I'll give up everything to see your smile again.

When I received your SMS, I somehow or rather feel heaven. It's so great to see your name on top of the message and I'll smile to myself which will makes me look like an idiot. You're humorous. The messages that you have sent to me makes me felt that I'm the most fortunate guy in the world. It's really bring me to the top of my pleasure when I read your messages.

However, when I'm feeling so great to see your messages, every a time a thought strikes me. Is it the same thing you sent to me also the similar thing you sent to other guys? I really wonder and I felt so jealous and dishearted.

You know I like you, but why would you tell me those things that I hated the most to know or even think of in my life? Why would you tell me the matters going on with you and him? You should know how I will feel when I know all that. It's so clear and definitely, hurt. I know you trust me and treat me as a physcologist who can give you advice when you felt so lost. I'm trying my best to solve all the problems of yours. But in the end, I'm an idiot after all. Why? I'm helping you to solve all those matters and I ended up with nothing, nothing at all... You and him were enjoying yourselves with each other while I'm alone here waiting like a fool.

Sometimes I reminisces, why should I help you? Why should I give you advises? It's not worth me doing that. I know I shouldn't be that selfish to hold you back towards your happiness.. You'll be the one who gain in the end and I'm the one who cry over you everyday. Do you know that? Would you ever know that? I just want you to know how I feel, that's all.

--- It's not me who makes your smile so sweet.
It's not me who walks with you under the stars romantically.
It's not me who touches your soul when you are alone
But it's me who love you the best that I know.

* Anyway, I've help you do something which you don't know. Hope that you will find out tomorrow.

My computer brokedown during the past few days and I got it fixed today. Hahas...

These few days were great. I'm feeling high everyday. Don't ask me why... God knows.

My family and I went to view our new house this morning. It's great, but my dad hesitated which direction should he go for... Hahas...

Tomorrow might be the best day I ever had for April. Again, don't ask me why, God knows.

My new designs for my blog was finally up despite days of editing. Using black for the background. The song currently playing is Evolution by Ayumi Hamasaki. Well, it is a pretty nice song with meaningful lyrics.

Received messages from her this morning. Early morning! I replied every sms when I'm on my bed till I reach the school... Hahas... The school was quite alright today. No big difference compared to the past few days. The guys in my class was having a "wrestling" section at the back of the class during English period. They were making a din. Adding on to my minor headache, it was getting worsen. However, I'm used to it. Guys are guys. They like to have fun. Me too... I can understand...

I was holding on to my phone from the moment I reach home until now as I wanted to sms her. I really felt like smsing her but I don't know what to start. Haiz... I'm missing her, very very much. But does she knows?

I have a sudden urge to see you now... I feel like sms you, I feel like talking to you. Hearing your voice will probably comfort my heavy thoughts now. I miss you.

---For every tear that you fall
I will be there for you
For every inch of pain that you feel
I will feel it too
I will be there for you through thick and thin
I will be your rock when you need me to be
I will always be there for you
For every heart ache you feel
I feel it too
For every bounce of misery you feel
I feel it too
What ever you do that makes you hurt
I will feel it too
Love isn't something that you or I can runaway from
It's a feeling like no other
When you cry
I will cry with you
Through thick and thin
I will always be there for you
When you feel like you have nothing left to live for
Remember me
I will always be there for you
For every time you smile
I will smile with you
For every tear that you cry out of joy
I will cry with you
I will always be there for you

* All the best in everything you do... Especially this coming weekend.